I don’t remember how old I was, maybe 8 or 10. I just remember the feeling. A scantily dressed and attractive young woman was bending over a few feet away, her backside up in the air, pointed at everyone. The older gentleman beside me tapped my arm, pointed her way and said, “Take a look at that.” There was a part of me that knew I shouldn’t. There was another part that wanted to. But all of me knew the comment and thought was wrong. Why did he think such a comment was okay?
Whether we meant to or not, this is the culture of objectifying women we somehow all created, and the recent allegations agaisnt Matt Lauer bring what has been in the dark to light. We created the porn industry, that dampened our senses to what is right and wrong. We created a world in which whistling and cat-calling women on the street is a punchline in sitcoms. We created a culture in which otherwise God-fearing, married men say things like, “Just because I’ve already eaten doesn’t mean I can’t look at the menu” when talking about ogling a beautiful woman. We didn’t, as a culture, intend to raise sexual predators. But we never tried to be holy. In fact, holiness has too often meant you were a prude. This culture where the lines of what is acceptable sexual behavior (particularly for men) is more evident now than ever before. Weekly, we are hearing of another actor, politician, and most recently, a beloved TV personality who acted inappropriately toward a woman or women. My hunch is that much of the problem is that we passed what is appropriate a long time ago, and without those boundaries, base instincts took over. It should almost go without saying that in all the cases that have come to light recently, we need to be careful to inject blame when the possibility remains that some of these men are innocent. People do lie to hurt others. But many of these women have been truly hurt. There are enough women sharing “Me, too” to warn us all that this is a pervasive problem in our culture.
Something about this culture we’ve created has never sat right with me. It’s not the way I wanted to be as a man. In college, I met a group of mostly seniors who loved Jesus, had godly relationships with their girlfriends, and sought out a kind of purity I’d frankly only heard about, but never seen. My relationship with these men changed my life. I haven't perfected it, but I have worked very hard to be my best for the sake of my heart and my marriage to my incredible wife. For the women who were hurt by any of these famous people, I’m so sorry you went through this. For the women who have been hurt by people that weren’t famous, and some of them even family, I’m so sorry. I hope they are brought to justice. I want to try and help men in a culture that has normalized sexualizing and objectifying women become holy. Here are some things that have been and continue to be important to me.
1. What your eyes see gets in your head and heart. One of those guys in my college Bible Study would flip over any magazine in a dorm room (like a weightlifting magazine) that had an attractive woman on the front. What your eyes see on TV, movies, and the internet shape our reality. If we see things repeatedly that treat women as objects, we begin to objectify women. Porn will rot your soul. It will ruin your relationship with your wife and tarnish the way you were meant to see women and sex. But soft core porn is everywhere. Be careful what you see. Jesus said lusting in your heart is the same as adultery. I always took Him at face value with that statement. I don’t want to do either. You vowed your eyes to your wife.
2. Work hard at it. You can’t get away from everyday life, and it's not a sin to find someone attractive. Work hard to make sure your eyes are reserved for your wife (or future wife). Make her the apple of your eye. Don’t diminish how you see her because you can’t stop looking at other women. If you don’t work hard at this, it will deaden your senses. You’ll begin to think you have the right to stare. You’re one step closer to thinking you have the right to touch. On your computer, if you have to, put of firewalls to keep you away from pornography. Work hard at it. It’s too important.
3. Boundaries. Boundaries. Boundaries. It’s almost a joke in our church. I won’t meet with a woman alone. We’ll need to meet in a public place. I’ll stand outside and talk with someone rather than go into an empty building together. Billy Graham took this pretty seriously, too. I mostly offer the patented “Side Hug” to other women in church. If another woman touches my arm or says something flirtatious, or I have an emotion that I shouldn't, my wife is the first to know. I want her to know that my thoughts are accountable to her. You see, I want to value women and honor my wife, so I set up boundaries on the front end. I don’t want to get into situations where: A) I have let my guard down and might be vulnerable to make a huge mistake B) hormones take over or C) I can be falsely accused because there are no other witnesses. Boundaries protect your heart, your marriage and, if you're a pastor, your ministry.
We are in a crisis right now where left and right it is coming to light that men have forced themselves on women. I'm sure someone told them not to -- that this isn't appropriate or acceptable. But maybe before that they weren’t told to not touch them. And before that they weren’t told not to say something vulgar. And before that they weren’t told not to stare at them. And before that they weren’t told not to stare at any of them. And before that they weren’t told they were wrong for even thinking that they should stare at them. And that’s how you create a culture. All men aren’t like this. And if you’re not, it’s probably because you worked hard not to be that way. And someone taught you better. We can’t fix this damage, but let’s teach our boys better. The Church ought to be known for how well we honor the gifts of men and women, and maybe the Church can be the place that teaches men how to be holy.
Whether we meant to or not, this is the culture of objectifying women we somehow all created, and the recent allegations agaisnt Matt Lauer bring what has been in the dark to light. We created the porn industry, that dampened our senses to what is right and wrong. We created a world in which whistling and cat-calling women on the street is a punchline in sitcoms. We created a culture in which otherwise God-fearing, married men say things like, “Just because I’ve already eaten doesn’t mean I can’t look at the menu” when talking about ogling a beautiful woman. We didn’t, as a culture, intend to raise sexual predators. But we never tried to be holy. In fact, holiness has too often meant you were a prude. This culture where the lines of what is acceptable sexual behavior (particularly for men) is more evident now than ever before. Weekly, we are hearing of another actor, politician, and most recently, a beloved TV personality who acted inappropriately toward a woman or women. My hunch is that much of the problem is that we passed what is appropriate a long time ago, and without those boundaries, base instincts took over. It should almost go without saying that in all the cases that have come to light recently, we need to be careful to inject blame when the possibility remains that some of these men are innocent. People do lie to hurt others. But many of these women have been truly hurt. There are enough women sharing “Me, too” to warn us all that this is a pervasive problem in our culture.
Something about this culture we’ve created has never sat right with me. It’s not the way I wanted to be as a man. In college, I met a group of mostly seniors who loved Jesus, had godly relationships with their girlfriends, and sought out a kind of purity I’d frankly only heard about, but never seen. My relationship with these men changed my life. I haven't perfected it, but I have worked very hard to be my best for the sake of my heart and my marriage to my incredible wife. For the women who were hurt by any of these famous people, I’m so sorry you went through this. For the women who have been hurt by people that weren’t famous, and some of them even family, I’m so sorry. I hope they are brought to justice. I want to try and help men in a culture that has normalized sexualizing and objectifying women become holy. Here are some things that have been and continue to be important to me.
1. What your eyes see gets in your head and heart. One of those guys in my college Bible Study would flip over any magazine in a dorm room (like a weightlifting magazine) that had an attractive woman on the front. What your eyes see on TV, movies, and the internet shape our reality. If we see things repeatedly that treat women as objects, we begin to objectify women. Porn will rot your soul. It will ruin your relationship with your wife and tarnish the way you were meant to see women and sex. But soft core porn is everywhere. Be careful what you see. Jesus said lusting in your heart is the same as adultery. I always took Him at face value with that statement. I don’t want to do either. You vowed your eyes to your wife.
2. Work hard at it. You can’t get away from everyday life, and it's not a sin to find someone attractive. Work hard to make sure your eyes are reserved for your wife (or future wife). Make her the apple of your eye. Don’t diminish how you see her because you can’t stop looking at other women. If you don’t work hard at this, it will deaden your senses. You’ll begin to think you have the right to stare. You’re one step closer to thinking you have the right to touch. On your computer, if you have to, put of firewalls to keep you away from pornography. Work hard at it. It’s too important.
3. Boundaries. Boundaries. Boundaries. It’s almost a joke in our church. I won’t meet with a woman alone. We’ll need to meet in a public place. I’ll stand outside and talk with someone rather than go into an empty building together. Billy Graham took this pretty seriously, too. I mostly offer the patented “Side Hug” to other women in church. If another woman touches my arm or says something flirtatious, or I have an emotion that I shouldn't, my wife is the first to know. I want her to know that my thoughts are accountable to her. You see, I want to value women and honor my wife, so I set up boundaries on the front end. I don’t want to get into situations where: A) I have let my guard down and might be vulnerable to make a huge mistake B) hormones take over or C) I can be falsely accused because there are no other witnesses. Boundaries protect your heart, your marriage and, if you're a pastor, your ministry.
We are in a crisis right now where left and right it is coming to light that men have forced themselves on women. I'm sure someone told them not to -- that this isn't appropriate or acceptable. But maybe before that they weren’t told to not touch them. And before that they weren’t told not to say something vulgar. And before that they weren’t told not to stare at them. And before that they weren’t told not to stare at any of them. And before that they weren’t told they were wrong for even thinking that they should stare at them. And that’s how you create a culture. All men aren’t like this. And if you’re not, it’s probably because you worked hard not to be that way. And someone taught you better. We can’t fix this damage, but let’s teach our boys better. The Church ought to be known for how well we honor the gifts of men and women, and maybe the Church can be the place that teaches men how to be holy.
